Addictive Relationship

What is an Addictive Relationship?
According to Terence Gorski in Why Do I Keep Doing That? an addictive relationship involves one person who is self-centered and extremely independent. This partner (let's call him Selfish Sam - but it could just as easily be Selfish Sally) believes he's entitled to whatever he wants whenever he wants it. He surrounds himself with people who support his opinions of himself. The other partner (we'll call her Dependant Debbie but it could be Dependent Darren) is dependent and other-centered, and willing to mirror whatever the first partner wants. She's simply a reflection of him. This is how addictive relationships work.

About addictive relationships Gorski says, "It works until the other-centered person runs out of steam one night and doesn't have enough energy to mirror back what is needed. The relationship is going to blow up. Addictive relationships do not necessarily have to have self-centered and other-centered partners, but it's the norm."

7 Signs of Addictive Relationships
Dishonesty. Neither Sam nor Debbie talks about who they are or what's really bothering them. They lie about what they want. This turns communication into an addictive relationship.

Unrealistic expectations. Both Sam and Debbie think the other will solve their self-esteem, body image, family, and existential problems. They believe the "right relationship" will make everything better. Yet, they're in a disastrous addictive relationship.

Instant gratification. Sam expects Debbie to be there for him whenever he needs her; he needs her to make him happy immediately. He's using her to make him feel good, and isn't relating to her as a partner or even a human being. She's a like drug. An addictive relationship drug.

Compulsive control. Debbie has to act a certain way, or Sam will threaten to leave her. Both feel pressure to stay in this addictive relationship; neither feel like they're together voluntarily.

Lack of trust. Neither partner trusts the other to be there when the chips are down. They don't believe the other really loves them, and they don't believe genuine caring or liking exists. At some level they know they're not in a healthy but rather in an addictive relationship.

Social isolation. Nobody else is invited into their relationship – not friends, family, or work acquaintances. People in addictive relationships want to be left alone.

Cycle of pain. Sam and Debbie are trapped in a cycle of pleasure, pain, disillusionment, blaming, and reconnection. The cycle repeats itself until one partner breaks free of the addictive relationship.

Addictive relationships can change, if both partners are self-aware and willing to do what it takes. In some cases an objective viewpoint (such as counseling) helps; other times, self-control and mutual accountability are all that's needed to turn the addictive relationship around.

Tonight i missed u

can't help but to feel that i missed u tonite.

i hate it when it didnt last. i knew the move that i made wld probably be the only thing that i have regretted thus far in my life. i have no word from u since.

i truly miss you and i wish u well.

Whatever happens in Vegas

Finally rewarded myself from a hard week's work with a movie.

Gosh, I just watched this movie on my com and I must admit that im a sucker for all these chix movies. im always happen at the end for the people in these movies....is like the feeling of awwwwwww..................

if only life could as dreamy and lovely like what it is in the movie...

then again, whats stopping this to happen in reality? =p

Early Morning Entry

Couldn't sleep at 3am in the morning though I have to work later. Feeling all so surreal. Thinking of how beautiful everything is/CAN BE.

I feel this is all coming back. The one that I have lost. I'm glad I found you again. It better be you because I would rather you do not come back than to come back half-heartedly. Never have I felt that you since the day I lost you, but lately the tell-tale signs are strong. I guess it was all taken for granted for the longest of time.

The question is, when did I ever lose you? I thought I have you all along, how can I have possibly lost you. One can only wonder. But thank god I found you again!!!

I guess the trip to the science center helps. The Leonardo Da Vinci exhibition was all but exciting. I did not learn anything interesting that I already did not know, but the good take away is that I learn that my trip to europe makes me piece many things together, at least for this part of the history of Leonardo Da Vinci. What traveling brought me (directly or indirectly) are the many good things like knowing more about history, geography, people, Friends, business, culture, etc which of course outweigh the bad experience. Then all these made me think again why in the first place I wanted to travel. Definitely is not for the reasons I mentioned.

I know it was a dream that I set for myself because I wanted to embark on something meaningful. When I say meaningful, it is suppose to be like a "wow" factor, more than a experiential experience like that I have mentioned. It was really an "achievement-driven" kinda wish to travel, but i reckoned the take-away is so much more. I wondered what would be like if I embarked in something different. errr, like start working after i grad? or maybe work overseas (which have been always my dream)? or maybe to continue studying?

at this point of time, it feels so good to be right on track, and to share the success with you. Thank you for coming back, and I know I can count on you when I need to. u have been mine and yours pillar of strength and support. U held back my tears and turn them into strength, u made me do things that I wouldn't have thot is possible, you made me do things that I do not like well and things that I like better. u made me too nice sometimes, but u are equally balanced to make me a badboy at times too. u made me feel that life is definitely worth living for, and as much respect I should give to it, I should learn to relax and have fun. i won't say i miss you, partly becoz I thot you were here all along, but is good to know that you are here though you have been gone for a long time.

Let's have another egotrip, shall we? and I know what you gonna say next, and stop telling me how gd u are. juz prove to me now that despite being so gd, u are still able to keep your feet to the ground, this is my next challenge to you, and also, u are so not going get rid of me, i warn you, or fear me getting rid of you too.

If you are marrying Miss Right for yourself, then you are Mr Wrong

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WITH reference to last Thursday's letter by Focus On The Family, 'Why we value marriage but behave as if we don't', marriage is a commitment to another individual and has nothing to do with self-fulfilment. That is why the number of divorces is rising and so many Singaporeans are in trouble with it.

If you marry Mr or Miss Right for yourself, then you are very wrong. Marriage is not about finding the right partner (especially not one that fits your 'profile'), it is about giving unconditional love to someone you hold dear, and celebrating it when the love and commitment are mutual.

Sadly, many men and women pick and choose the right partner as if it was a home or a car. Even worse, some spend more time and effort choosing a home or a car.

Sex and romance are seriously over-rated - they are just the icing on the cake.
Love, although free, is one of the most valuable and precious things we humans possess. One of the greatest things in life is the gift of love, and the greatest gift of love anyone can give another individual is the promise and commitment to stay with him or her forever. 'Marriage' is the common term for this expression that is recognised by all races and religions.

It is baloney that cohabitation is the free expression of such unconditional love (with no strings attached), yet so many have failed to see why almost all cohabiting couples eventually go their separate ways.

I know from experience that just the warm embrace of my loving wife and children is one of the most effective de-stressing tools. So go hug your loved ones.
Syu Ying Kwok

Be happy with what you have and more will come your way

PEACE OF MIND
If you were to ask your neighbour,
"What would give you peace of mind?" he might tell you,
"A vacation in Bermuda !" or
"An extra hundred grand would give me peace!", or
"A new Ferrari would make me content!"

But going places – and getting stuff – it is usually a temporary solution ...
Peace of mind rarely comes from getting more stuff.
Getting more stuff usually leads to wanting even more stuff!
Peace of mind starts with being grateful for what we have right now.

GRATITUDE is POWER
When we are thankful for what we have - for the friends we have, and for the things we've got, we attract more good people and good things!

People who always complain about what they DON'T HAVE, stay stuck. Complainers attract more things to complain about! It is a law of life. It's hard to explain, but you can observe it around you. We get more of what we dwell upon.

That's why all the spiritual masters have taught the same lesson ...
"Start by being thankful. Be happy with what you have now, and more will come your way."

It's practical advice.
Every time you say a silent "thank you" you become more peaceful – and more empowered.

Coffee Hangover

Argh, the coffee that I had on sat nite made me had a hangover on sunday, and it was that bad it almost killed me on sunday.

i slept prematurely early last night, and didnt really have a good nite sleep.

i'm definitely allergic to coffee. NO COFFEE FOR ME AGAIN. argh.

this is what i need

after a taxing week of illness and injuries, i finally get to do some serious sports today. well, if u consider golf as a serious sport first. =p finally didnt get burnt for the first time, all thanks me being able to remember to apply sun-block at all cost. my skin is like peeling badly from last week's batam visit.

i haben been so sick for a long time, and i was perpetually sleeping everywhere i go. and it is definitely not the medication, i wondered what make me so sleepy. my friend told me that i fall asleep on her last nite, and i thot we ended the conversation, thats how sleepish i was.

got home not too long from coffee with my friend. yes, is like 4am. and i just love walking on the streets at nite, driving at nite, and listening to the calmness of the supposed bustling city in the day. the peacesfulness cum the traquility which i thot i was only able to enjoy when i was overseas, but i find myself soaking the feeling of it.

got a pretty quality meet up with my friend and was funny how we found out we SHARED some exact similar life experiences, in a rather amusing way when we looked back. we chatted, gossiped and of coz visited the toilet many times... didnt know that we never meet up with each other for 4 years, we still have not lost touch with each other at all.

n then i pondered...im thankful for all the friends i have, life would be so much less interesting without them. i got a message from one of my BEST friend who told me that she re-read our skol day messages and was thankful that i chalked up most of her skol days life and i was glad she was in my life too. those days that i treated her like a real brother, till i attended her wedding last year, albeit awkward, coz i nv thot my 'brother' would eventually get married. but still thankful for the great times we share.

im actually very random in typing this post, but i think the essence of it all is that tonight, i was able to enjoy the night in the raw state without any inhibition. did my favourite spending a little bit of me-time. it was gold. i hope every weekend can be as such in time to come.

my CEO caught me reading recruit page today and asked me if im looking for a job, i looked at him and started laughing, and i continued reading. lolx. deep inside me, i know i will definitely not join a competitor, coz i know i love my company too much to do such thing, but never say never. browsing thru the recruit page was a deliberate effort on my part to help some of my friends to look for job openings coz they are so unhappy abt their job.

thot of the week: do i know what i want? yes, probably abt 50%. but i definitely know what i DO NOT want. for that, it is 100%.

so to link to this topic, i need to know what i DO NOT want and act on IT. whatever i want, doesnt really matter. whatever i want, i can live without. but i cannot live without what i NEED.