TGIF
Which One Is Right
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
Adam and Eve
Adam and eve were in the Garden of Eden, and Eve had not been there long and Adam was trying to get a grasp on the female thing, so he asked God if they could have a talk. God replied, sure your my son and I love you can ask me anything.
So Adam asked, God you have given me the beautiful flowers and the sunset....But I look at Eve and she is so beautiful it takes my breath away... Why God, did you make eve so beautiful? God replied, my son that is easy, I made her that way so you would love her, Adam replied well, it worked but I have another question... I touch the cool water and rub the furry animals and they feel so good to me but I touch Eve and it is so wonderful my heart almost stops... God, why did you make her that way?
God replied well Adam that is easy I made her that way so you’d love her...well Adam replied, it worked, I do, but God I have one more question and I don't mean to question your wisdom or anything, but God she is stupid, why did you make her stupid? God replied my son that is easy I made her that way so she would love you.
What a Man hears
What a Woman Says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,You and I need to clean up.Your stuff is lying on the floor,and if we don't do laundry right nowyou'll have no clothes to wear."
What a Man Hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MONblah, blah, blah, YOU AND Iblah, blah, ON THE FLOORblah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOWblah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES.
Dumb Men Jokes
Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?A: Who cares!!!
A man walks into a bar and finds a Genie in a lamp. The Genie will only grant him one wish. The man wishes to be a million times smarter than any man on earth. *POOF* the Genie turns him into a woman!
Q: Why are blonde jokes so short? A: So men can remember them.
Q: Why do men have slits in their underwear?A: So they can get oxygen to their brains.
Q: What did god say after he made Adam? A: "I can do better than that." then he made Eve.
Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?A: Gifted
Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually active?A: He's breathing!
A man is trying to impress a woman by making her think he's really intelligent.Man: I like waking early in the morning.Woman: Are you sure you haven't missed an "n" out of that sentence?
Q: Do you know the real reason Moses wandered in the desert for 40 years?A: Because even back then men wouldn't stop and ask for directions.
Q: How do you save a man from drowning? A: Take your foot off of his head.
Q: Why do women work harder than men? A: Women get it done right the first time.
Q: Why is a man like a diaper?A: because they are always on your ass, and they are usually full of shit.
I Can Not Tell a Lie
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.
The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"
- Submitted to Jokes4U by Safash.
The Loving Wife
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
Marital Bliss
A husband and wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.
The man says to his wife, "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill." She ignored the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, your butt really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."
Dearly Departed Husband
A woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she says to Saint Peter, "Would it be possible for me to get together with my dear departed husband? He died many years ago."
Saint Peter asks, "What was his name?"
The woman replies, "John Smith."
"Gee," says Saint Peter, "we've got a lot of John Smiths up here. But sometimes we can identify people by their last words. Do you happen to remember what his last words were?"
The woman thinks for a moment, then says, "Oh yes! I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with another man after he was gone, he would roll over in his grave."
"Oh!" says Saint Peter. "You mean *Whirling* John Smith!"
Egg Donor
One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars.
A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it.
"Oh, that," Frank said. "Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box." Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn't so bad.
"But what about the 10,000 dollars?"
"Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
Adam and Eve
Adam and eve were in the Garden of Eden, and Eve had not been there long and Adam was trying to get a grasp on the female thing, so he asked God if they could have a talk. God replied, sure your my son and I love you can ask me anything.
So Adam asked, God you have given me the beautiful flowers and the sunset....But I look at Eve and she is so beautiful it takes my breath away... Why God, did you make eve so beautiful? God replied, my son that is easy, I made her that way so you would love her, Adam replied well, it worked but I have another question... I touch the cool water and rub the furry animals and they feel so good to me but I touch Eve and it is so wonderful my heart almost stops... God, why did you make her that way?
God replied well Adam that is easy I made her that way so you’d love her...well Adam replied, it worked, I do, but God I have one more question and I don't mean to question your wisdom or anything, but God she is stupid, why did you make her stupid? God replied my son that is easy I made her that way so she would love you.
What a Man hears
What a Woman Says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,You and I need to clean up.Your stuff is lying on the floor,and if we don't do laundry right nowyou'll have no clothes to wear."
What a Man Hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MONblah, blah, blah, YOU AND Iblah, blah, ON THE FLOORblah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOWblah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES.
Dumb Men Jokes
Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?A: Who cares!!!
A man walks into a bar and finds a Genie in a lamp. The Genie will only grant him one wish. The man wishes to be a million times smarter than any man on earth. *POOF* the Genie turns him into a woman!
Q: Why are blonde jokes so short? A: So men can remember them.
Q: Why do men have slits in their underwear?A: So they can get oxygen to their brains.
Q: What did god say after he made Adam? A: "I can do better than that." then he made Eve.
Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?A: Gifted
Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually active?A: He's breathing!
A man is trying to impress a woman by making her think he's really intelligent.Man: I like waking early in the morning.Woman: Are you sure you haven't missed an "n" out of that sentence?
Q: Do you know the real reason Moses wandered in the desert for 40 years?A: Because even back then men wouldn't stop and ask for directions.
Q: How do you save a man from drowning? A: Take your foot off of his head.
Q: Why do women work harder than men? A: Women get it done right the first time.
Q: Why is a man like a diaper?A: because they are always on your ass, and they are usually full of shit.
I Can Not Tell a Lie
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.
The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"
- Submitted to Jokes4U by Safash.
The Loving Wife
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
Marital Bliss
A husband and wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.
The man says to his wife, "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill." She ignored the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, your butt really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."
Dearly Departed Husband
A woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she says to Saint Peter, "Would it be possible for me to get together with my dear departed husband? He died many years ago."
Saint Peter asks, "What was his name?"
The woman replies, "John Smith."
"Gee," says Saint Peter, "we've got a lot of John Smiths up here. But sometimes we can identify people by their last words. Do you happen to remember what his last words were?"
The woman thinks for a moment, then says, "Oh yes! I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with another man after he was gone, he would roll over in his grave."
"Oh!" says Saint Peter. "You mean *Whirling* John Smith!"
Egg Donor
One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars.
A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it.
"Oh, that," Frank said. "Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box." Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn't so bad.
"But what about the 10,000 dollars?"
"Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."
thoughts by |nnoc3nt @ 15:53
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