New Philosophies of Life

Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?

Save water.
Shower with your boy friend.

The wise never marry.
And when they marry they become otherwise.

If your father is a poor man, it is your fate.
But, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.

I was born intelligent. Education ruined me.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station...
what more can I say..........

If it's true that we are here to help others, then,
what exactly are the others here for?

Since light travels faster than sound, people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

One should love animals. They are so tasty.

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

Children in backseats cause accidents.
Accidents in backseats cause children.

"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep

There should be a better way to start a day than
waking up every morning

"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk!

"Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours!

When two's company, three's the result!

A dress is like a barbed fence.
It protects the premises without restricting the view

The more you learn, the more you know.
The more you know, the more you forget.
The more you forget, the less you know.
So.. why learn?

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A survey was conducted by the U.N. worldwide.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your most honest opinion
about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a HUGE failure.

In Africa they did not know what "food" meant.

In Western Europe they did not know what "shortage" meant.

In Eastern Europe they did not know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they did not know what "solution" meant.

In South America they did not know what "please" meant.

In Asia they did not know what "honest" meant.

And in the USA they did not know what "the rest of the world" meant.

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If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If you throw a cat out of the house, does it become kitty litter?
If aspirins are always "Take Two," why not increase the size of ONE?

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Keeping a Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point hair dryer at passing cars... See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom... Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks.
Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your cheques, write "for sexual favours".
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation marks.
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won! 3rd time this week!!!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......
20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.